I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
