yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
