He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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