watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
