the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
