Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Randomize
