so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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