You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
