I looked at my own cervix.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
