You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
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Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
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Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
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