If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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