just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
