is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
