you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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