Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
