I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
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Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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