don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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