I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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