The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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