Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
