you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I just found puke in my bra..
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
