o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
