I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
