its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
