so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
