im gay
i know
yea but for you.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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