Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
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