I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I will pee on everything he values.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
