I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
