I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Randomize
