i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
