Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
