I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
