I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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