so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
21 Of The Most Impressive Things Ever Seen In Porn
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
19 Parents Had Epic Reactions When Catching Their Kids Being “Bad”
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher