Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail