i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
