dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
