Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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