Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
