I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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