You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
