apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
