Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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