ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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