I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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