thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
