Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
