id be glad to
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
