I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
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