All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Randomize
