I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
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