Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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