She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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