I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
